Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1 Recap: No One Is Over Anything

Last night was the beginning of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. Lisa Vanderpump is dressed like a “school marm” but it’s really quite ridiculous and hideous. Lala Kent got her makeup done at the circus, from the elephants who can paint – it’s pink, sparkly and reminds me of Tammy Faye Baker. 

BTW: When is Kristen Doute gonna admit to getting her boobs done? She’s got them out every 15 seconds just waiting for someone [ANDY COHEN] to notice and comment, but alas the satisfaction is not being given.  

The major topics up for discussion are James Kennedy‘s drunken excesses and the mysteriously unexplained reasons Jax Taylor despises him. Kristen’s apology tour, and lastly Scheana Marie being the worst wife in the world. Apparently she’s just not educated on addiction – which is why she never bothered to you know CALL A THERAPIST or Google NA meetings! 

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On Jax vs James: What is the deal? Did James frotteur Brittany Cartwright? Just kidding! The roots of Jax’s hatred are linked to Kristen being his soulmate. He will forever loathe James for swooping in to play Rescue Agent Kristen: The Great Failure after Tom 1 ‘broke her heart’ by finally dumping her after the dozens of times she cheated (yet his one make-out in a pool with Ariana Madix is a totally justifiable cause for her to go full-scale crazypants. Just ask Kristen – she’ll explain it!). We’ll probably never get to the bottom of why Jax wants to punch James. Maybe they should just play demolition derby together until they both spontaneously combust!?

James is currently suspended from PUMP over drinking. He’s working on himself – and this time he promises it’s sincere. Clearly James seems to have an issue with alcohol – Lisa confirms he gets a look in his eyes when he’s drunk. Perhaps he needs to go seek some sobriety counseling and support from Scheana – she’s really good at marking the division between fun buzzed, boring sober stuffy person, and drunken mess! 

Kristen and James also still hate each other, because when two soulless cretins meet, the wrongs do not make a right – they make a reallyreallyreally wrong! James brags that Kristen was his ‘sugar mama’. Jax accuses James of ‘using Kristen’ to get on Vanderpump Rules. Lisa denies this – he was hired as a busser, then he took matters into his own hands! Tom 1 claims it was actually KRISTEN who used James to make him jealous, since James was his friend and they were going to be roommates.

James is a hot mess, Kristen is a hot mess, disaster ensued and the cameras couldn’t look away. Who can blame them?! Unfortunately James and his dysfunction are here to stay. Jax is miffed because James has not only overtaken his role as ‘The Bad Bad Boy Of SUR,’ but is getting all the deluded chicks. 

Kristen reenacts how she discovered James cheated with Jenna after stalking his email and found a deleted Uber receipt. Katie Maloney praises this resourcefulness. James accuses Kristen of cheating on him several times, coming home from West Hollywood with her “face smelling disgusting” (I SO DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BUT LISA I AM GLAD YOU FIRED HER BECAUSE THAT IS UNSANITARY!).

Tom 1 hears all the time about new people Kristen cheated with while they were together. LVP nods her head. Kristen scoffs about Tom and James‘ lies. Later Andy calls her out on the hypocrisy of how angry she is that Tom and Ariana made out ONE TIME but didn’t tell her. Kristen insists it was their lies because she knew something happened, but they kept denying it, driving her crazy. She accuses Tom and Ariana of having an emotional affair – which is so what Kristen and Jax have (is sociopathy an emotion?). Andy rolls his eyes at the delusion, while Katie completely defends Kristen’s reasoning and yells at Tom and Ariana over their lies. Tom 1 tells Katie to “be quiet!” Tom 2 hovers in the corner looking super-uncomfortable. If he goes through with marrying her, he’s dead to me. 

Tom 2 has found himself in quite the awkward situation hasn’t he? You can tell he’s not into the whole Kristen friendship, nor Katie abandoning Tom 1 and Ariana for Kristen while making him feel bad for associating with Tom, but does he say something? Well, we don’t know, but I’m gonna go with nope!

Regarding Kristen’s apology to Ariana; Ariana doesn’t believe it was sincere which is why she didn’t accept. Kristen waxes about therapy, eventually admitting she wanted to go to Hawaii, so you know… Kristen seems to believe she and Ariana have made some headway towards friendship. Ariana calls it “being cordial” for the sake of her other friends (manners and social decency are not something Kristen concerns herself with being that she has “no filter” and all so this whole concept of civility is lost on her). Kristen, interestingly, looked hurt.

Lisa agrees that Kristen’s apology tour was about ulterior motives, since she never actually took ownership for hurting Ariana or Tom. It’s clear Kristen doesn’t feel her actions were unjustified since Ariana was the one making her crazy!

Tom rants about how Kristen hasn’t changed at all. He insists he’s “at peace” with her, but gets riled up when it’s brought up and he thinks about everything that happened and the continued fallout today. I think what Tom isn’t able to articulate (because it’s Tom 1 and this is your brain on too much hair spray and Botox), is that he’s angry at himself for putting up with it – and this is what he’s not over. Kristen isn’t over him either, no matter how much she pretends to be. Tom calls her out on ‘over laughing’ and having ‘overly happy’ reactions to prove she’s changed and has moved on, but he knows her well enough to see it’s fake. Kristen insists she’s a whole new gal – Tom doesn’t know her anymore. I think Tom is right. 

Mike Shay comes out to discuss his Vicodin and alcohol addiction. Today, Shay hasn’t drank in 3 months and is completely sober – he did it all without treatment or help. Scheana could not be more proud. She thought sobriety would make Shay boring, but has discovered she actually always has a designated driver and someone to take care of her drunken messiness. Yay? Scheana nods encouragingly as Shay completely blames himself for everything because he failed to make Scheana the “happiest woman alive.”

Andy is openly disgusted by how Scheana treated Shay’s issues, including giving him alcohol, lecturing him that sober people suck, and condemning him for not being able to handle his alcohol.

Scheana cries, almost poking her eyes out with her giant grey witches talons. She was trying to support Shay! He didn’t want to stop drinking and she didn’t know anything about addiction. She didn’t know that handing your addicted hubby a tampon full of tequila is not the path to sobriety?! LVP defends all of Scheana’s nonsense because LVP is determined to make me give her a side-eye until I want to use Scheana’s nails to poke my own eyes out! LVP even chastises Shay for lying to Scheana about his issues.

Shay admits Lisa’s words hurt him, and attitudes like hers contributed to him hiding his issues. Tom 1 defended Shay against Lisa – love it! Even Lisa thinks they should have sought outside help – and she doesn’t mean from Tom 1 and Ariana. 

Speaking of unsupportive partners, we re-watch Tom 1 tell Ariana how he’d rather play with bulldozers, than be there for her birthday. LVP believes that men in relationships have no business in Vegas. If Ken had gone, it would be a one-way trip. What’s up with Lisa not trusting Kenly? It’s not like Giggy wouldn’t be overseeing and dictating the activities and keeping Ken in check. Ken isn’t straying or going too far off that leash!

Ariana explains disliking Tom’s ‘bacon A’ tattoo which marred his perfect ass (BARF!). Tom put much thought into his declaration of love. Before getting inked he googled “Cool As”. So Tom put more effort into a tat than Scheana put into Shay’s sobriety? Google is your forever friend in times of need! Tom never went through with removing the “A”. Love hurts!

Lala explains how frustrating it was to try and break into the group. Katie puts on airs about how difficult it is to “penetrate” this tight-knit and amazingly intimate and exclusive social club. Everyone bursts out laughing – because the way in is through Jax’s penetration! Tom and Tom confront Lala over lying about a modeling in Italy. Lala insists she’s a non-sexual escort to wealthy men who want eye candy on vacation. Katie complains about Lala tattling to Lisa about them for bullying her. Lala emphatically denies this. Lisa confesses to being the one who felt Scheana and Katie were mean to Lala. 

Despite her train wreck makeup, I thought Lala handled herself with a lot of class at the reunion. It’s interesting that she’s often so much more mature and grounded than people 10 years older than her (Kristen! Scheana! Katie!). 

Lala was cast after being a friend of Dani Shay‘s, who has worked at SUR for years. 

Lala defends her flirtation with Jax because she thought he was single. He’s annoyed at being caught on camera telling her as much. Lala never planned on their flirtation evolving into anything further. Lala questions Kristen calling her a “ratchet whorebag”. She was sincerely trying to give Kristen a chance, and believed Kristen was doing the same with her, yet she found out Kristen was only using her to piss off James when it was convenient.

This is Lala‘s fault, however, because Kristen can’t be friends with girls who are with her ex-boyfriend. Which is why she wants to be friends with Ariana? Which is why she loves Brittany? Kristen also claims she was just being honest about Lala. Kristen fails to see the irony of calling anyone else a “whorebag”!

James defends Lala, then shouts to Katie that Kristen is going to break her heart again and he cannot wait. Tom 1 reminds Katie that at one point Kristen even tried to break her and Tom 2 up! (Kristen denies this, then remembers it’s true – that was last season, though!).

I think James is right (kill me now!)  – Kristen is using Katie, because it’s convenient. She wants Tom and Ariana out of the picture, she wants to weasel and worm her way into control. She wants to be the New Stassi Schroeder. She wants everything back the way it was when they were ‘The Group’; when they were special, and young, and hot, and fun – except she wants Carter to replace Tom. 

Part one ends with Kristen telling James he’s worse than Tom. Was that a compliment? Next week Stassi and Brittany emerge. 

TELL US – IS TOM OVER KRISTEN? SHOULD ARIANA ACCEPT KRISTEN’S APOLOGY? WILL KRISTEN HURT KATIE AGAIN? DOES SCHEANA DESERVE SYMPATHY? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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