Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Things That Go Bump In The Night

Only on Real Housewives could a lake house turn out to be a palatial mansion, and a trip to the Four Seasons be all your worst high school nightmares. On last night’s Real Housewives of Dallas, the ladies traveled to Austin for a birthday weekend only to end up the subject of their own horror story – narrated by LeeAnne Locken, of course! Is LeeAnne the new Danielle Staub, or what?!

Since Cary Deuber, Stephanie Hollman, and LeeAnne all have similar birthdays, the weekend is supposed to be a three-way birthday bash to hopefully mend fences. Oh, it was a bash alright! 

Stephanie has apprehensions that Brandi Redmond blindly followed her Lord Jesus Juice when she invited LeeAnne and Tiffany Hendra to their lake house. Stephanie and Brandi’s husbands built the house together, so their families co-own it. I think Brandi and Stephanie are cute. I love their genuine friendship and that their families are so close. Also, Stephanie grows on me weekly – she’s far from ditzy, but instead is insightful and holds her words until she’s thought through what she wants to say.

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Cary isn’t thrilled about having to spend the weekend with LeeAnne, who is spreading rumors that Cary stole Mark from his first wife. Cary decides LeeAnne must be jealous she didn’t get her mitts on Mark first – after all, he’s Cary’s chef, personal shopper, organizer, and sex slave so who wouldn’t want him?! #ME

Everyone mutually and subconsciously decides the best way to handle the trepidatious trip is with tons of booze and junk food. So, on the bus to Standi’s house they go! With all the champagne and gossip flowing it’s only natural that someone’s gotta go (Only No. 1 thank God!) – that someone is Brandi, who decides to pee in a solo cup while Cary holds up a blanket. Why can’t they stop?! LeeAnne sneers that Brandi is disgusting. So Brandi ebulliently reminds LeeAnne of that time she pooped in a bag while riding in a car! Shit in a bag is the new d–k in a box, apparently!

LeeAnne is livid, especially when Brandi reveals she and Stephanie heard the story by-proxy from Marie Reyes. LeeAnne doesn’t react in the moment – she’d prefer to watch her victims squirm, then savor her kill, (or Carnie-style gut). Marie is ready to shit her own pants after being exposed, but denies repeating the story. However, according to LeeAnne and Tiffany, only three people know it: LeeAnne, Tiffany, and… duh, duh, duh – MARIE! 

So, you may be wondering how it happened that LeeAnne pooped in a bag!? LeeAnne decided to take a laxative before her birthday party to squeeze into a dress, but after a few drinks her bowels got as loose as her lips, so she wound up pooing in the back of a car, into said bag. AGAIN – CAN THESE PEOPLE NOT PULL OVER?! To the group, LeeAnne denies the story, claiming it’s scientifically and gravitationally impossible to aim poop into a bag while riding in a car. I don’t need the details!

At the lake house, which turns out not to be a lake house, but a big ole’ mansion LeeAnne is still fuming over PoopGate, which has Tiffany consoling her and Marie hovering anxiously like everything is fine, hoping LeeAnne will decide to let it go for the sake of the weekend.

Meanwhile, Brandi, predictably, is obsessed with the PoopGate. Eventually, after consuming more booze, Brandi decides LeeAnne and Tiffany are good drinking buddies and empathetic souls so she shares that her brother is back in the hospital. He’s suffering from PTSD, something LeeAnne can relate to because Rich, a police officer, also has it. LeeAnne actually behaved like a good and compassionate friend to Brandi. I think LeeAnne collects wounded people because she recognizes, on some level, she can manipulate them. 

Likewise, LeeAnne must always have a target – a vendetta to cast her evil eye – and she chooses someone who seems powerful, but not so powerful she’d lose a vital ally (See: Dillon, Heidi). Since LeeAnne’s gotten into Brandi’s fun pants, all her ire turns to Cary. LeeAnne insists judgmental Cary is trying to destroy her. Over dinner, while the ladies are sharing, Cary admits she’s slow to let people in. LeeAnne immediately accuses her of judging others. Luckily, everyone ignores LeeAnne’s antics, because the personal chef is hot and Brandi is so drunk she decides to perform a back roll across the table. 

Then, everyone heads off to bed … or so it seems.  

They are awakened by a scream in the dark. Then a crash and some bangs. Followed by tears and shrieks. Cary grabs her phone to record the evidence … of LeeAnne eviscerating Marie over PoopGate. LeeAnne threatened to “gut” Marie and was slamming knives around and pointing them. Did anyone call 9-1-1? Nope, instead they lurked in stairwells recording LeeAnne’s rampage, or cowered under the covers. LeeAnne was so loud she awoke Brandi from her drunk coma, yet the next morning, Tiffany claims she slept through the entire thing. 

Over breakfast, a shell-shocked Marie just wants to avoid the situation, but Tiffany encourages LeeAnne to confront Marie – calmly – about feeling betrayed and hurt that her friend repeated LeeAnne’s embarrassing moment publicly. Of course, this being LeeAnne, she blames the entire outburst on her childhood: She doesn’t do hurt, she does pain and blah, blah, blah… she is only human and was forced to react the only way a wounded and abandoned child can – by lashing out. Plus, they’re only words and words can’t hurt! Which is why LeeAnne was devastated by Marie repeating the poop story, right?!

LeeAnne needs to cut this bullshit (pun intended). Her childhood – of which there are sooo many conflicting stories (was she an abused carny kid or was she rescued by her grandmother into a safe and loving home at age 3?) told directly from the horses mouth – is an excuse to get away with bullying, aggressive, deranged behavior! We see you – so do Stephanie and Cary. 

The other ladies are shocked and finally decide they have to confront LeeAnne. While LeeAnne is glowering over Marie – this is her in calm reflective “let’s talk” mode – Cary, Stephanie, and Brandi troop into the kitchen. Brandi is disappointed – she really wanted to like LeeAnne and saw a different side of her, but unfortunately it’s always Mrs. Charity Vs. The Carny Kid with LeeAnne’s personalities! 

Cary and Stephanie don’t mince words telling LeeAnne her behavior was inappropriate, frightening, and completely unacceptable. Stephanie, a former social worker, calls LeeAnne’s toxic behavior abusive, and she wouldn’t even let her clients speak to her like that. LeaAnne denies threatening Marie, because, to her, “kill” and “gut” mean “cut someone out of your life.” So what does waving a knife mean? #LeeAnntionary 

Cary asks Marie how she interprets LeeAnne’s words. With LeeAnne staring her down, a shell-shocked Marie at first mumbles she knows LeeAnne was just angry, while LeeAnne nods at her good little obeying minion, but Cary pushes and Marie admits she felt threatened. Tiffany vehemently defends LeeAnne, and insists she was just using colorful language and vivid adverbs to express herself the only way she knows how. LeeAnne’s passionate, y’all!

LeeAnne then blames Cary’s meddling as the reason the women are turning against her. Of course. Cause that makes sense. “I’m only a person,” she seethes, comparing herself to Jesus being nailed to the cross and persecuted. For threatening people? For people overhearing those threats? Someone’s been sippin’ on too much Jesus Juice!

LeeAnne storms outside to call a cab to escape the mean girls. Tiffany, LeeAnne’s omnipresent babysitter and LeeAnne Mess Vacuum filter, stands by her side while LeeAnne rants that all she did was yell at someone, while Cary stole another woman’s husband. Tiffany suggests LeeAnne bring that up. OK – NO! LeeAnne is projecting and trying to push focus onto Cary to detract her own insane behavior. For Tiffany to enable and go along with LeeAnne’s seedy plan to then make this about Cary is equally deranged. Tiffany needs to extract herself from the co-dependent tentacles of this so-called friendship because she has sold her soul to the evil fortune teller at the carnival!

Stephanie recognizes that LeeAnne abuses Tiffany and Marie by making their friendship a vicious cycle of being afraid of LeeAnne’s wrath while coveting her “good time” love. Tiffany is LeeAnne’s mouth, eager to defend her and say whatever LeeAnne wants her to – lies or not. Marie is all too willing to literally ‘take it up the a$$,’ then beg for LeeANne’s approval that it was OK. It is sick.

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Brandi rationalizes that LeeAnne’s behavior, while awful, was motivated by hurt so she encourages LeeAnne to stay and work through the situation with the ladies. It doesn’t take long for Brandi to get out from under LeeAnne’s temporary spell, though – the cleansing spa treatments did the trick. And with that it’s time for the Four Seasons. Yaaaaay, said not a lady in attendance. 

It turns out, Stephanie’s description of LeeAnne and Marie’s friendship is correct, because as soon as the other ladies aren’t looking, Marie tip-toes right back to LeeAnne to grovel and plead for forgiveness. Through her tears she begs for a hug. Cary vows to stay out of the dysfunction junction that is the caboose of what was supposed to be the birthday fun train, but even massages, facials, and manis can’t strip away the dirt LeeAnne mucked up. 

Over dinner, the three birthday girls sit all in a row. One little piggy stewed silently daring anyone to reproach her or say boo. That little piggy turned into the big bad wolf who swore she’d blow all their houses down if they didn’t let her through the door and play by her rules. But two little piggies had not one, but two big brick houses and they had each other for strength, and one little piggy brandished a secret knife that was her sharp mind – so they weren’t afraid. And the other little piggy had scalpels and an operating table – all the better to dig in deep and see what’s underneath. And it ain’t beauty she found. 

LeeAnne sulked silently at dinner, elbows on the table and hunched over the food she shoveled into her mouth. Cause classy socialite! Then LeeAnne interrupted the pleasant conversation to invite Tiffany to a last-minte charity function and Cary reproached her to put her phone away the way a mom would take a teenager to task. That was, of course, one of LeeAnne’s many, many, MANY buttons. This is all Cary being judgmental and LeeAnne being her victim. 

Brandi wants to know why Tiffany always defends LeeAnne instead of forming her own opinions. Tiffany denies hearing LeeAnne’s outburst – which no one believes – and rambles about walking in others shoes to see their hearts. Brandi tells Tiffany to stop talking in circles and walk in her own shoes – considerably more comfortable flats compared to LeeAnne’s crazy clown shoes which don’t fit, look ridiculous, and are just a prop. Tiffany snaps that Brandi isn’t capable of comprehending her, so she has to “talk down on a level” which someone stupid can understand. Brandi, offended, leaves the table as Tiffany lectures everyone about having friends who bring her up. Stephanie asks if Tiffany is seriously putting LEEANNE into that category. “Let’s call a spade a spade,” she snaps, leaving  the table to check on Brandi.

Tiffany complains that no one understands the depth of the love she and LeeAnne share. GAG me. And gag Cary too – she decides dinner is over and everyone should just go to sleep. And hopefully this time everyone will stay asleep and no one will be gutted with a broken wine glass under the full moon. 

TELL US – DID MARIE BETRAY LEEANNE? WERE THE LADIES OVER-REACTING TO LEEANNE’S OUTBURST? IS CARY JUDGMENTAL?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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